Fantasy Football: Burns So Good.

With a 2-year-old taking up most of my time on the weekends, and another one on the way, I’m seriously considering retiring from fantasy football this year.

Then again, I could just pull a Brett “Flip-Flop” Favre and find myself starring in one of the three fantasy drafts my friends are talking me into this weekend.

But, after struggling to find a running game, or a passing game for that matter, the past couple of years, I don’t know if I have Favre’s kinda heart this year.

Add in all that Favre, Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress drama, and I’m actually starting to get sick of football already, which is blasphemous I know.

In fact, the only thing that usually gets me through an entire season of fantasy is bagging on my players on this blog (BG does this very well, too), and changing my team name at least once a week to reflect how lame NFLers can be.

For example, in 2005 I named my team the Whizzinator Warriors after Minnesota Vikings RB Onterrio Smith got busted at the airport with the infamous “Whizzinator” – a fake penis contraption that was designed to help dopers pass drug tests but backfires and puts your dumb ass in the news and on waivers more often than not.

So this year, I’m definitely not playing unless I come up with a good name. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Vote on your favorite in the poll at right, and I’ll pick that name if I decide to play:

• Whizzinator Warriors 5.0 – A throwback in honor of the Smith, actor Tom Sizemore, bodybuilder George Spellwin and American Gladiator Jonathan Byrne, all of whom have been busted with the Whiz.
• Favre from Good – Speaking of the Vikings, people can’t seriously be considering Favre as a starting fantasy quarterback this season, can they? My first thought was Favre’s Flip-Flops, then I saw everyone on the Web already lists that one. 40-year-old Viking is pretty good, too.
• Philly Beagles – Yeah, I’m sure the Vick angle will get beat to death (no pun intended, again) this year, too. But I’m still pissed Michael Vick went to my Philadelphia Eagles, and is just waiting for my boy Donovan McNabb to go down. Freaking brutal. I hope Donavan has an MVP year and never once leaves the field … unless it’s on his team’s shoulders after the Super Bowl. Has anyone suggested the ConVicks yet?
• Bust a Cap in dat … Kneecap? – I know, Burress shot himself in the thigh, but it’s not like anyone’s going to remember exactly where he got shot the next time we see him on the field. How do you shoot yourself in the leg? And go to jail for two years for doing it? Didn’t Plax learn anything from Cheddar Bob in 8 Mile. Maybe that should be my team’s name: Cheddar Burress. If only he played in Green Bay. Cheese Head Burress has a nice ring to it … but nobody but me and Slim Shady would get it.
• T.O.B.A.S.S.C.O. (Terrell Owens Be an ASS Co.) – As a Philly fan, this one has a special place in my heart (some might call it heartburn), and it’s my early favorite.
• Team CrabFree! – Man, the 49ers are going to suck this year, again. … And I’m starting to feel really bad about getting our boy Beau C 49ers’ home opener tickets as a wedding gift, but what are you going to do? … When they sign Crabtree, I guess you could always change the name to We Got Crabs!
• Droppin’ Deuce – Yeah, these are getting cruder by the second. But that’s fantasy football for you. I have to admit, I’m still surprised Deuce McAllister is still looking for a home.

Don’t like any of these? Offer up your suggestions in the comments section, and I’ll consider ‘em. In fact, if they’re original, I use it, and if I win my league, I’ll give you a portion of the winnings.

UPDATE 8/23: So I decided to go with Team T.O.B.A.S.S.C.O — Terrell Owens Be an Ass, Same Said for Chad Ochocinco. Word.

No Humans and No More Bad News Please

Things were looking pretty good last night at 7:00 pm.  J and I (and his lady friend) were sitting in a packed theater about to enjoy District 9 and according to his Blackberry the Dodgers were enjoying a semi-comfortable 3-0 lead over the D-Backs.  Everything was as it should be.  Flash forward a few hours and several hundred dead humans and aliens later and all was still well–solid film, nice evening, good times.  Until my dad’s two word text message of THAT SUCKS beeped in.  “OK,” I thought as I walked through the parking lot, “it’s either an injury to one of their better players or they blew the lead.  Either way, it’s no good.”  I dialed him right away and he gave me the Cliff Notes version of this and essentially ruined my night.

It’s pretty clear what’s happening here–the once reliable bullpen, a major strength at the start of the season has been reduced to a steaming pile of dog poop.  After months of repeated work we’ve got guys who flat out don’t have much left in the tank.  Take a look at these splits from Troncoso, Belisario and Broxton broken down by OBP allowed per month:

So either everybody has forgotten how to pitch or we’re dealing with a criminally overworked bullpen.  Some of the blame has got to fall on the likes of Clayton Kershaw and the Schmidt-Weaver-Milton pupu platter and some belongs squarely on the back of Joe Torre who has “his guys” and “his guys” will pitch back to back days until their arms fall off (see: Proctor, Scott).  Bullpen meltdowns are a part of the game and if you’ve got to overwork either a starter or a reliever it’s best to overtax the pen as a general rule but either the team needed to get a top-shelf starter at the deadline who could eat some more innings or they needed to get another arm in the pen besides just Sherrill.

The good news is that the early reports regarding Kuroda are positive and it’s “just” a concussion.  So we’ve got that going for us.

Wish you were here. ... View from the GoPro Hero at good ol' A-Beach.

Well, the dog days of summer are here, and there hasn’t been a whole lot that’s inspired me to post of late.

So on Saturday, I decided to bail on the A-town second-hand smoke – courtesy the Santa Barbara/Cruz wildfires – and hit the beach with my new GoPro Hero waterproof digital camera.

As our dozen dedicated followers know, we here at The Bias occasional take a break from blogging about Manny and Co. to review cool gadgets like the GoPro Hero.

As many surfers know, there’s a real shortage of worthwhile waterproof cameras out there. And until a couple years ago, waterproof digitals were unthinkable. Too expensive. Too big. Too damn dangerous in the impact zone.

Stoked.

Enter: The Hero.

It’s fairly inexpensive as far as digitals are concerned (about $200). It’s small enough to strap to your wrist or mount on a helmet (for you mountain bikers and reef kooks). And the thing takes solid photos and surprisingly good video – considering you’re in choppy, blown-out surf half the time in Cali. these days.

I could go on and on about this thing, but I’ll let the video do the talking. And yeah, I’m on a long board, because the surf’s about as big as that camera (did I mention it’s less than 3 inches wide but holds nearly an hour of video or 2,000 photos on the 2GB SD card). Sick.

Pembertonian’s out there too, on the banana board, which explains why he hasn’t posted on The Bias in months.  Bum.

See a photo gallery on the jump. (more…)

HR: Andre Ethier, LAD. Photo: Lori Shepler, AP

(Interior, Night.  Santa Barbara.  BG is on his cell phone talking with G SLIM.  The Dodger game is on the TV behind him)

GREG: So what percent chance are we giving the Dodgers of making it to the World Series?

BRIAN: (Pauses) Two.  Two percent.  (MATT KEMP comes up as a pinch hitter and strikes out with 2 on and 2 outs with the Dodgers down by 2 runs late in the game).  Actually, one percent.  It’s hard to play at that high level all season, they’ve definitely hit a wall though.

GREG: They just don’t seem to have it right now, no spark whatsoever.  That’s why they needed a trade, get some new energy on this team.  You bring in a new player and all the players get fired up.

BRIAN: George Sherrill’s no good for you?

GREG: I want an impact guy.  I want an arm.  I want Halladay.  You can’t keep getting these vintage Clayton Kershaw outings where he goes 4 IP and makes 100 pitches, this isn’t going to get it done in the post season. 

BRIAN: No, I agree, they look terrible-Manny is an absolute black hole in the order right now too.  They drop this and I think they are only five games up.  Five games, that is not exactly a lot.

GREG: I can’t watch this I am going to read a book.

BRIAN: Yeah I am going to do some laundry, I’m out.  (Hangs up phone)

(BRIAN turns off the TV and goes out to the Laundry Room.  He futzes around for a bit in the living room and then goes back outside to take the dog out.  His cell phone beeps with simultaneous text message from DAD and JASON)

BRIAN: Ethier walk off 3 run bomb?!!?!??  WHAT?  (Gets phone out of his pocket and rushes upstairs to turn on FoxSports.  Ethier is taking a curtain call.  He calls GREG).  Andre Ethier, my friend.  DragonSlayer.  Three run walk-off rackrammer.  You cannot sleep on this team.

GREG: What?  Really?  Why did I turn this off?  (Rustling noises, a TV is turned on in the background).  Gal damn.

BRIAN: Team of destiny.

(END)

Ain't no rock like indie rock cos indie rock don't stop

We all know that sports are the most important thing in the world but music is a semi-close second.  Sadly, as you are probably well aware based on the music played during SportsCenter highlight mashups and baseball player’s at-bat music, those two ven diagrams rarely coincide.  Saturday night we rolled on down to Muddy Waters to catch indie darlings Blind Pilot in a (way, way, way) too crowded coffee shop.   Go on ahead and check out that first song on their myspace–go ahead it’s only like five minutes, I’ll wait for you.

Nice, right?  Sadly, as can be expected, most of these terrible people showed up and it’s almost not worth talking about because it happens at every single show but good god…if you want to sit and talk to your friends and show them pictures of sunsets, do it in your goddamn living room not when the band is playing their songs.  If you simply MUST share your incredible news about your new roommates or how drunk you were the night before, talk between sets, go outside, or jabber between songs but when the guy at the mic opens his mouth, you should probably shut yours.  After sitting through an excruciating opening act (Villalobos, who would be like diet-Elliot Smith-lite minus any sort of talent) Blind Pilot took the stage/floor and played an exceptional ten song set full of folky harmonies and warm melodies.  At the bargain basement price of $9/ticket you can’t do much better.  Just talk about it after the show, alright?

A-Rod? Is that you in there?

In honor of the latest members of the MLB’s PEDebacle, roid-ragin’ WCBias.com presents its new and “better enhanced” All-Steroid Team.

(Don’t forget to compare this list to last year’s first-ballot Hall of Shame class.)

The second edition consists of the who’s who of players linked to performance-enhancing drugs, according to a rash of media reports, the latest leaks of the 2003 flunkies (Manny and Papi), not to mention personal admissions and the good ol’ Mitchell Report.

Last year’s starters, who have since been moved to reserve status, have been crossed out for the newest class of PEDers.

Outfield

• Lenny Dykstra Manny Ramirez
• Barry Bonds
• Sammy Sosa

Infield

• Rafael Palmeiro Mark McGwire 1B
• Brian Roberts, 2B
• Miguel Tejada Alex Rodgriguez, SS
• Matt Williams, 3B
• Ivan Rodriguez, C
• Jason Giambi, David Ortiz, DH

Pitchers

• Andy Pettitte Roger Clemens, SP
• Eric Gagne, RP

Reserves:
(All but Canseco named in Mitchell Report)

• Gary Sheffield, Jose Canseco, David Justice, Gary Matthews Jr. OF
• Benito Santiago, Paul Lo Duca, C
• Wally Joyner, Chuck Knoblauch, Troy Glaus, IF
• Mo Vaughn, DH
• Kevin Brown and John Rocker (just because they’re both such nice guys), Rick Ankiel (use to be a pitcher, couldn’t throw a strike to save his life, disappeared for a cycle second, now he’s back in the Majors as a power-hitting OF? Hmmm, wonder how that happened?) and Brendan Donnelly (replacement player + steroids = ‘roid ragin’ Major League reliever), P

That’s it. Congratulations to all of the new members of the WCBias All-Steroid Team. We’ll see you again at this time next year, when 2010 hopefuls Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton, Ryan Howard and Carlos Beltrán see if they can’t make their way into the hallowed halls of shame.

Never in my life did I think I’d become a Tim Wakefield fan, but this Bud’s for you Wake. You’re the only one left in the game who I know is real — 65 mph on the Juggs gun don’t lie. Keep chuckin’ them Wiffle Balls yo. You’re all we got.

David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. Brokeback "mountains."

Shocking news out of the East Coast: Big Papi is a Big Cheat!

Who would have thought big ol’ David Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003 – just in time to lead the Boston Red Sox to their first World Series in a trillion years?

Who’s next, Albert Pujols? No way! LeBron James? You’re crazy. Dwight Howard? Not Superman.

Hey, at least people almost care about MLBers doing it. One day the rest of the sports world will start caring. And one day someone will actually test for HGH, then we can relive this whole PEDebacle all over a gain. Awesome.

In the meantime, I’m totally flabbergasted. Speechless. Can’t believe it. Can … function … no longer … somebody … get … me … some … female … fertility … drugs … quick.

Sorry if I’m over it, but this steroid chatter is old hat – kind of like that dusty, sweat-stained 1988 Dodgers World Series hat of mine.

Come on Manny, get the Blue Crew back there yo.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Manny Ramirez reportedly failed a drug test with Big Papi in 2003, too, even though he swore up and down he’d never failed a test before (after his latest failure). Circus baby, circus.

“You guys want to talk about the game, what is happening now, we can sit down and talk for two hours,” MannRam said prior to Thursday’s game. “If you want more information, call the union.”

What a gamer.

Atta boy Manny, always focused on the task at hand. Just think pennant baby.

What’s wrong with the media? Can’t we just focus on the game people? Who cares if sports has gone to shit … and no numbers are legit … 20 MVPs* … 8 Cy Youngs* … and there’s no integrity, not to mention authenticity, in sports anymore.

We want wins. We want home runs. We want the Incredible Hulk, in dreads, hitting bombs for our home team.

“Me and David, we’re like two mountains,” Manny added for the circus. “We’re going to keep doing good no matter what … Only God is going to be able to move those two mountains.”

And this was six years ago anyway, when only 104 Major Leaguers tested positive for performance enhancers.

Just because MLB and every other major sports league still doesn’t test for HGH, doesn’t mean these guys are still doing it.

These guys are “mountains!” Freaking “mountains!” baby! Can’t be fazed!

Yeah, these guys are “mountains” all right … from a far maybe, but when you finally get up close to ’em, nothing but mirages in the desert.

I’m over it.

If you went here more often your team wouldn't be in 7th place

I know something that you don’t know.  I know, without a doubt, that in my fantasy league Jayson Werth is more valuable than Ryan Howard.  But how?  How can I possibly know such things?  Apples and oranges, right?  What if I could tell you that the most valuable closer on my fantasy team is Andrew Bailey, who has delivered nearly four times as much value as Fernando Rodney?  Welcome to the world of Ziguana, my friend; a brave new world where the fantasy playing field has been leveled and first website you need to visit before your upcoming draft or prior to  pulling the trigger on that blockbuster deal you’ve been working on for the past two weeks.  With the proliferation of more exotic stats and Roto leagues often employing more than just the standard 5×5 categories it’s getting harder and harder to know who is good and who is just empty stats (Freddy Sanchez, I’m looking at you).  Of course, just having a beast of a database at your fingertips will only do you so much good–but the boys over at Ziguana have come up with an impossibly simple league upload feature where you can see in an instant how your fake teams match up against your leaguemate’s fake teams.  Does it get any better than that?  I vote for no.  Over the past week I’ve been emailing with Cassidy Morris, one of the Founders of Ziguana, to get his insight into just how much Ziguana can do for those of us without a PhD in Statistics.

BG: Break the idea behind Ziguana down for those non-math geniuses out here and let us know how it can help us win our fantasy leagues?
Cassidy: In most of today’s fantasy leagues, winning one category is as good as winning another. Ziguana uses this principle to rank players by making it so comparing categories is no longer comparing apples to oranges. Where before you were looking at 10 rebounds per game verses 2 threes per game, now you have two comparable “zScores”, such as 1.90 and 2.20… meaning the 2 threes per game are more helpful to your fantasy team. In this manner we can rank players based on any combination of categories! What’s nice about Ziguana is we do this for every player on your team and every team in your league. Then we spit out some simple diagnostics that help you figure out how you’re going to win that championship.
(more…)

Bend But Don't Break

We were about ten miles out of the Stadium, heading north on the 5 when James Loney chased Andre Ethier home with a single up on the middle, cutting the Marlins’ lead over the Dodgers to 8-6 and bringing the tying run to the plate when Rick Monday said, “This Dodger team has really changed the way the fans see the game.  If you come out to the stadium, DO NOT LEAVE EARLY.”  Not exactly what you are hoping to hear when you’ve invested a little over three hours in a sweat-filled Sunday afternoon at Chavez Ravine before packing it in but so it goes.  As (un) luck would have it, Matt Kemp fouled out to end the comeback bid, as Jessica, Jesse (the SB Little Brother) and myself headed West on the 134 (John B had driven up for the day and he was battling his own demons on the 110 I suppose).
My advice to those of you out there looking for an offensive outburst–try to catch a Dodger game where Jason Schmidt is on the bump.  Over three lifeless innings the Dodgers’ starter threw puffballs up to the plate which were batted around the yard (don’t think I’ve ever seen so many lefties pull balls into the RCF gap as I did yesterday, a sure sign the Schmidt/Weaver duo was not bringing any heat) with reckless abandon.  The Dodger highlights were few and far between, a Russ Mart HR and a Matt Kemp crashing catch in Center (which is essentially a daily occurrence now) likely being the only takeaways.  But who cares about winning, Sunday was all about some good seats for cheap (thanks Stubhub) and taking the little fella to a game.  Negative traffic either way and a Dodger Dog and mini-bat makes for a fine day at the yard.
The real disappointment was no Manny in the lineup, despite the fact that Thursday was an off day.  Also when in the hell are we going to get another pitcher?  Kuroda can’t be trusted, Schimdt is sadly probably done and that leaves us with the three headed monster of C Bill, Kershaw and Wolf going into the post season…this is the same business model the Chicago Cubs employed last year-best regular season record and went into the first round against the Dodgers as an underdog, Zambrano laid an egg and the rest was formulaic.  I don’t want to give up anybody already in uniform for Halladay but if he is our last, best chance what are we supposed to do?  The Indians are supposedly listening to offers for Cliff Lee, how about getting in on that for McDonald, Lambo and whoever?  Yes, that makes them a little lefty-heavy but last I checked the Phils lineup had a few lefties of their own, right?  And look what Lee has done vs. Lefties this year.  Yes please.

Necessary? No. Cool? Yes.

Clearly it’s all about wasting our time at work and our friends at The Onion are always available to help out with the wasting.  Seriously, they are like the black hole of time.  This little gem of an article on Derek Jeter got John B, G Slim and myself emailing back and forth about our favorite and non-favorite sports maneuvers.  The following is a smattering of our emails back and forth over the course of my morning at work.

G Slim:
Jeter–Best SS of our generation?

John B:
“….with that jump-throw thing that he doesn’t need to do.”  That’s solid.
Is A-Rod considered a  SS?
Candidates:
Jeter
Arod
Ripken?

G Slim:
The  jump throw is one of my 5 favorite sports moves.
Jeter’s jump  throw
Federer flicking the one hander cross court with a ridiculous  angle
The Nash step into a three on the run
Any Asian that hits a homer  and then does the bat flip (Matsui’s last night was vintage)
Youk at the  plate

BG:
This is a good  list.  How about worst sports moves?  I vote:
Chuck Hayes at the FT line

No imagination required, a link to Hayes video is below.

C Barkley on the  tee
Nomar’s bullshit with the  batting gloves
David Eckstein’s shot put  throw across the diamond  to first
Shawn Marrion 3  pointer

John B:
Sorry to say I don’t think I know Charlie Hayes and his FTs.
Darius Miles and Q-Rich with the fist pound
Shaq doing anything
Ricky Vaughn’s fist pump
Furcal’s lasers from short his rookie year
Ozzie Smith’s flip
George Brett applying pine tar
Bash Brothers forearm bash
Younger Vlad throwing from right field
Griffey/Hunter/anyone that jumps into or over a wall
Carlos Zambrano freaking out after Ks
And the lamest?

The Human Rain Delay

Nomar’s batting gloves
Jeff Hornacek brushing his face before free throws
J. Kidd blowing a kiss before free throws
Magic and Isiah kissing
Shaq doing anything
Barry Bonds spin move
Red Sox growing beards
Jose Lima doing the exact same thing as Zambrano
Nash sitting on the  floor icing?
Sharapova’s grunt?
Randy Johnson’s  swing?

GS:
Shame on you for not  knowing about Hayes

Furyk’s swing is horrible.

JC:
I am now much more educated than before.  Wow.  I’m at a loss.  Shaq is safe.  It looks like it hurts.
Furyk’s swing stays because he’s a pro at that sport.  Different category.

BG:
We agreed on Nomar’s gloves.  How did something that was awesome at first go so so so so wrong?
Young Vlad was a monster in RF.  No way were you running on that guy ever.  If there was a throw-off between early Vlad and Ichiro and Raul Mondesi I would watch that over another HR derby any day.  Griffey Jr’s swing too.

GS:
that is an all time list, you have to put Tom  Watson’s putt on 18 on that list. Jim Furyk’s swing belongs there,  hate that thing.

Picture Perfect

Worst of all time is a tie and can never be  broken between Hayes  and Barkley, no one can do worse.
I  actually like when Nomar goes crazy  with the glvoves.
I also  loves Halladay’s arm action on the cutter, its  like his body is out in  front of him and then he slows it down and lets the  arm catch up and  its kind of awkward and devasatating at the same time

JC:
If  it’s 1-time things, Watson’s putt is up there, but I thought we were going  with regularly occurring BS, which is so much worse since they can change  it if they would just put some more work in.

This went on and on for a while.  You know, until I went home for lunch and came back and we started emailing about something else.  Because that’s the way we roll.