Colts, Cubs, Pigs & Pills to Dominate Super Bowl XLIV

The WCBias.com staff’s super stupid predictions for Super Bowl XLIV, Indianapolis Colts vs. New Orleans Saints:

Pembertonian:

Ok, so EVERYONE wants the Saints to win, right? Because of the hurricane, because black and gold are fun colors, because they’ve always sucked – whatever.

Remember those bags the fans used to wear over their heads? Made them look like the Unknown Comic? Yeah. You’ve come a long way, ‘Aints. Strike up the Dixieland band and give yourself a big Cajun pat on the back.

Of course, the Colts were pretty awful when they first moved to Indianapolis. (Come to think of it, GOOD teams rarely leave their hometown in the middle of the night). But then along came Manning, and they’ve won a gazillion regular season games. Given that they’ve only been to one Super Bowl during that time, I can see why they gave up on that whole undefeated idea.

Anyway, this is a great offensive matchup – maybe the best of any Super Bowl — which can only mean one thing: It’ll probably be a low-scoring game.

Both teams have shown pretty decent defenses. The Saints with their turnover-inducing game against Minnesota and the Colts with a D that’s been fairly consistent all year.

But seriously? I was just kidding about that low-scoring thing. This one IS all about offense, and here I think the Colts have an edge for two reasons:

1.) Manning is the best quarterback ever. Seriously. No QB has ever led his team to so many dramatic comebacks. And the guy has pinpoint accuracy. As a side note, he’s also not a meathead, like most NFL guys. (Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bradshaw!)

2.) The Colts have more weapons. Even after they lost star receiver Anthony Gonzales, this team is STILL stacked with weapons. So if you guard Wayne and Dallas Clark, you still have Collie and Garcon. (By the way, don’t you just LOVE saying “Garcon?”)

Oh — and also? I lived in Indiana for 18 years. Get ‘em, Shoes.

Prediction: Colts 31 Saints  27

BG:

Right…the Super Bowl.  For the last 4 years of my life I have been rocking an old school TV.  You know the ones—like the kind your grandma has, you know?  4:3 aspect ratio (hip to be square), kinda bubbled glass screen, weighs maybe 900 pounds?  That’s me.  But with THE BIG GAME right around the corner, my tax refund burning a pocket in my hole and a bunch of sales offering TVs at essentially component prices I figured what the hell—let’s get a new TV and watch the Colts and Saints in style.  So I ordered the TV I wanted from Sears and was told I could pick it up right away.  That was four days ago and so far I have been too lazy to drive the 2 miles from my house to the store to pick the damn thing up.  Why?  Because who wants to watch Gatorade Presents: Media Day 2010 in hi-def?  Who wants to watch Stu Scott pretend he can actually see the football coming his way on ESPN’s In-Studio mini field?  Boner Jamz!  Who even cares?  The Super Bowl is the ultimate sporting event for your mom, your receptionist, your landlord, the guy in the office who asks you if watched “the game” last night—basically anybody who is not a real sports fan but knows that you are and figures you must be 100% gung-ho about the Super Bowl because it’s popular and people must flip for it.  Real conversation I had with a lady yesterday:

Lady: Brian, who are you rooting for in the Super Bowl?

BG: The Cubs.

Lady: Wow.  Yeah, do you think they will win?

BG: I really do.  I think their front 12 are unstoppable and their Waggle Back will just run people over.  It’s gonna be mental!!

Lady: How exciting!

So, my prediction? Cubs over the Raptors by a score of Quidditch to eXtreme!!

And if you want to come over and help me christen my new TV that is freaking fine by me, just don’t be surprised if I get really excited about The Who playing during the 7^th Inning Stretch because everybody knows the kids are so into The Who right now and that’s all that they ever listen to while they are break dancing around listening to their Sony Walkmans (with AM/FM radio!).  It’s gonna be mental.

Ryantific:

So since I don’t give a darn about the Super Bowl or the sport of Football (Bball is my game) I’m gonna discuss the Super Bowl battle between Pulled Pork Sandwiches  and Shredded Chicken Sandwiches. Honestly it really comes down to  what you are in the mood for at the time. But for this Super Bowl. Pulled Pork is the obvioous winner. It really comes down to two words that give the pulled pork the advantage… Low and Slow. By throwing a couple Pork shoulders or Boston Butts in the oven and cooking them low for 6-7 hours, they come out deliciously moist and shred easily. I have grilled chicken in the past and shredded (delicious because of the wonderfall grilled flavor) and I have poached a chicken (made the meat way to chewey. I don’t recommend that to anyone) but neither really fell apart like the pork. Besides whats more southern bbq then pulled pork, rich vinegar bbq sauce, on a warm bun, and topped with crucnchy cole slaw. I sound like a commercial…  like Lebron, I’m loving it!

Prediction: Saints 114, Colts 114, Pulled Pork:A million

B$lim:

Not sure what I’m looking forward to most on Sunday. Peyton Manning audible No. 314, by the midway point in the first quarter. Reggie Bush flexing his “natural” biceps for the 315th time, in pregame. Or Tim Tebow pushing his beliefs on us for the 3:16th time, during an 8-hour stretch of commercials that make no sense (or cents) whatsoever.

Oh wait, I’m not looking forward to any of that.

What I’m interested in is No. 93.

Is Colts DE Dwight Freeney healthy, or nothing more than a dummy out there?

That’ll be the difference in this one, because if Indy can’t put pressure on Drew Brees and Co., they could be in trouble.

But I have no doubt Freeney will suit up and try to play.

The real question is: How many pills will the dude be on? It seems like the more the merrier in this sport. If he can feel that bum ankle at all, he hasn’t had enough juice.

I’m expecting a dozen cortisone shots, a 6-pack of RedBull, and Freeney will be good to go. He’ll be flying higher like Kirk Gibson on that beautiful October night in 1988, and he’ll be getting after Brees like a crazed wolfboy.

Or maybe, just maybe, the NFL will miraculously come to terms with its drug problem and blood test everyone on both teams, leading to more flunked drug tests than sobriety tests on this Super Sunday. The failed test would force the league to suspend 90% of the two rosters because of HGH abuse, and BG, Patrick, Ryantific and I will be invited to Scab Bowl XtraCLean as replacement players because of our investigative blogging and whistle blowing on the league.

What the hell am I talking about Tebow? I abort this whole freakin’ post.

Prediction: Colts win – Freeney 112 pills, Saints 111.